Is there a cycle you’re looking to break?
A shift away from what isn’t working to what does?
A life where thriving interpersonal relationships are the norm and not the exception?
Or possibly just to be able to honor yourself and speak your truth?
If you believe or feel that in relationships...
» You’re being too much or that your needs are not valid or important.
» You have to overextend to be worthy of their love and attention.
» You’re lost without their approval, validation, or acceptance.
» You’re always walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.
» You’re responsible for their happiness or sadness.
» You’re doing all the work to make sure the relationship survives.
» You feel that you are excessively anxious, clingy.
» You’re going to be abandoned if you fail to fulfill ALL of their needs.
» You easily lose your sense of self and your world revolves around just one person.
Or maybe you are on the other side of the spectrum?
» Your boundaries and walls are rigid, impenetrable.
» Nobody is allowed to know how you really feel within.
» You have intimacy fears.
» You are distant, avoidant, scared that you might get hurt if you let others into your heart.
» You are on high-alert mode all the time, suspicious of what they might be doing wrong.
» You pretend that you are okay even if you’re suffering in private.
» You are always ready to walk away, one foot out the door.
» You dread rejection so you don’t try to get close, and yet you long for connection and acceptance.
» You are always right - and being right is more important than repair or reconciliation.
If you resonated with these statements, there's a chance you might be struggling with self-betrayal patterns.
A message from your instructor, Maria
Self-Betrayal:
A disloyalty towards ourselves, repeated broken commitments, and denial of our needs, resulting in a ruptured sense of self-trust.
-Maria Sosa
Betrayal. More than likely, there’s a gut feeling, an emotion, or story attached to the word. Because at some point or another, we have betrayed or been betrayed by someone. At the core is the act of experiencing deliberate disloyalty. A breaking of trust. It’s painful, gut wrenching, messy and one of those really uncomfortable human things go through in life.
Self-betrayal is just that, but turned inwards. Disloyalty towards ourselves, repeated broken commitments, and denial of our needs, resulting in a ruptured sense of self-trust.
Often, we self-betray because our upbringing and own experiences have fostered a narrative that we are unworthy, undeserving, or simply not enough. We don’t do this intentionally and more than likely, we’re not even conscious that we’re engaging in these cycles. In fact, these behaviors have kept us safe in some way or another, a coping mechanism that we learnt as a child in order to survive.
Did:
You have caregivers that you couldn’t depend on?
You have a family member who was abusive (verbally, physically, mentally, spiritually) to you?
Others often make you feel unworthy or “less than”?
Something happen that traumatized you?
You have to endure pain/situations that were too much to bear for someone your age?
Often, these tough experiences teach us to:
» Attempt to please, control ourselves and our environment to get what we need to feel safe (approach behaviors)
» Abandon or neglect ourselves to give others what they want so we can feel safe (avoidance behaviors)
» Or a mix, depending on the relationship or situation at hand
As children, we mold and adapt to any circumstances, engaging in any behavior that allows us to meet our need for safety.
As adults, we often find ourselves engaging in those behaviors that used to keep us safe; perfectionism, overextending, caregiving, people pleasing, etc. Except we slowly come to the conclusion that they’re no longer useful. In fact, we’ve probably noticed that these self-betraying behaviors are not helping us build healthy, thriving interpersonal relationships. If anything, they sabotage and stop us from creating meaningful connections.
This is true for intimate relationships, of all kinds. But it is particularly relevant for those of the romantic nature.
An exchange occurs, things escalate. Our inner child feels threatened. Unresolved issues resurface, along with old patterns and coping mechanisms. Naturally, we behave in ways to keep ourselves “safe.” The other party defends and responds from their own wounds and conditioning.
It becomes a never-ending cycle. Then we shame ourselves and wonder why things never seem to work out or why we can't have healthy relationships.
Course Outline for Each Week
- The childhood experiences that made it more likely for you to engage in self-betrayal
- Your basic human need to love and be loved
- Your caretaker or parents' response to the question, "Is it OK to be me?"
- Your attachment style (secure, anxious, avoidant, disorganized)
- The influence of family, school, friends, and church on who you know yourself to be
- Cultural and social pressures
- Gender expectations and beauty standards
- Your shadow beliefs and the lies you tell yourself
- The things you do to "deserve" love
- Part 1 The illusion of perfectionism
- Perfectionism vs. high achieving
- Your hidden motives for perfection (high-achievement, self-esteem, image, identity)
- When exactly this exhausting behavior becomes a problem
- Your inner judge and its unrealistic expectations
- Tools for overcoming perfectionism: Imperfection and authenticity
- Part 2: Understanding your chronic procrastination
- Procrastination as a form for emotional regulation
- Fear of failure and decision paralysis
- Honoring your time and schedule
- Defining your skillset and knowing when to delegate
- Tools to help cultivate your internal motivation
- Part 1 The gift of your emotions
- The difference between emotions and feelings
- The subconscious reasons why you avoid your "negative" or shadow emotions
- Symptoms of toxic positivity and the dangers of denying your own reality
- Using your emotions as a useful life compass
- Tools for self-soothing and regulating
- Part 2 Break free from people-pleasing
- Your stories and your inner child
- How this pattern keeps you safe… and small
- People pleasing in your family, dating, friendships, and work relationships
- Creating practical and healthy boundaries
- Perspective shifts + tools to work through these patterns
- Part 1: Control and the false sense of security
- Understanding your need to be in constant control
- What you can and cannot control
- Releasing your attachment and making peace with the outcome
- Softening rigid boundaries and rules that actually push people away
- Mantras and short meditation for ease and release
- Part 2 Stop overextending yourself in the name of "success"
- The core beliefs of people who overextend and how to shift them
- The truth behind hustle culture, busyness and productivity
- Redefining success: Purposeful work, passion, and meaningful vision
- Permission to rest: Training your body to relax (parasympathetic response)
- Your family of origin and your household thermostat
- Empathic vs enabler: Which one are you?
- Manifestations of enmeshment and lack of boundaries
- Spot the red flags and stop accepting breadcrumbs
- The difference between healthy and toxic relationship dynamics
- Giving yourself the care you give to others: Making time for your needs
- Building interdependence in your relationships
- Recommended books and podcast shows
- Understanding what secure parents provide
- Self-exploration and self-expression
- Becoming the caretaker you never had
- Practicing self compassion
- Establishing REAL healthy habits: Body respect + mindful eating
- Connecting to your inner child through visualization and journaling
- Communicating your needs to self and others
- Vulnerability and cultivating intimacy in our relationships
Dr. Miriam Kirmayer
Clinical Psychologist
Friendship Expert
Maria and I first connected via the therapist community on Instagram and over the years and through our various conversations and collaborations she’s become both a friend and a source of inspiration.
Her work is practical, nuanced, and rooted in compassion. I’m consistently impressed by how she makes insights and practices that benefit our emotional well-being and relationships so accessible.
I have no doubt her e-course on self-betrayal was created with the same thoughtfulness and care that Maria brings to each of her projects and that it will be a helpful resource for so many of us who are looking to better understand the patterns that keep us from connecting more deeply, both with others and ourselves.
Nate Postlethwait
Writer
Trauma Informed Coach
I have found Maria’s work to be enlightening in areas that many feel stuck but also very graceful in it’s approach to humanity and how we process our emotions. Her work affirms those deep parts of us that we are often afraid to approach because we are not sure we will hear what we need. Her work meets us in those places.
Alyssa (Lia) Mancao
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
I know Maria both personally and professionally; she is a trusted colleague and a dear friend. Truthfully, I have found her work and approach as a therapist to be empathetic, collaborative, detailed, and authentic. Maria places a tremendous amount of care into what she does; from her work with her clients down to her Instagram captions! She has a unique way of taking complex concepts and creating content that feels like medicine for the soul.
Maria strives to create a safe space for those around her; operating from a place of curiosity and kindness. I have personally witnessed the amount of care and thought that Maria has placed into her e-course to ensure that those who have access to it will receive deeply meaningful information and the tools to positively shift their relationship with themselves. Maria is a gem in the therapist community and I am very lucky to know her.